Wtf Is The Doomsday Clock And Are We All Going To Die?

February 25, 2018

Remember just one short year ago when the Trump presidency was made official and everyone was like, “this is totally the end of the world as we know it?” Well it looks like our overdramatic hyperbole might not be too far off. The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists moved the Doomsday Clock 30 seconds closer to apocalypse o’clock midnight yesterday, which, in simple terms confirms that we’re all pretty much fucked….


50 Cent Is Literally The Luckiest Man Alive

February 24, 2018

Ya boi 50 Cent is back on top in the most miraculous way possible. In what has to be the most inspiring rags-to-riches-to-rags-to-riches story since Cinderella lost everything in the divorce (only to win everything back in Appeals), 50 Cent has been pulled out of bankruptcy after he realized he actually low-key had a stash of 700 Bitcoin just chilling in the Bitbank (or wherever Bitcoins are kept). And for…


An Entire City Is About To Run Out Of Water And Nobody Is Talking About It

February 23, 2018

Remember when your boyfriend made you see and you were like, “Okay that was horrifying but I might shave my head now?” Well, that movie is about to happen IRL in Cape Town, South Africa which will straight-up run out of water on April 12th, a day they are dramatically referring to as “Day Zero.” Day Zero used to be April 21st (presumably taking into account all the water stoners…


The 6 Most Savage Lines From Larry Nassar’s Sentencing Yesterday

February 21, 2018

Yesterday former USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar was sentenced to up to 175 years in prison on charges of sexual assault. That is 25 more years than the number of women who testified against this 10/10 creep in the last seven days. Those who watched the trial are familiar with the presiding judge in the case, the Honorable Rosemarie Aquilina, who looks like if Elvira had her own spinoff. That’s…


The Hottest Players In Super Bowl LII

February 17, 2018

As a diehard Jets fan (no jokes plz), I honestly have no idea who tf to root for in the upcoming Super Bowl. I hate the Eagles although I admire their fans for a) climbing greased telephone poles in order to party, b) not coming to work today because the city of Philly is collectively hungover, and c) booing Santa off the field during a winter game and hucking snowballs…